WOKING, ENGLAND—In a shock announcement that has left royal commentators and tabloid editors scrambling, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have confirmed that they are leaving the United States and relocating into a Pizza Express in Woking.

"I am in a state of absolute shock!" said Miriam Davies, a royal columnist for lesser news outlet The Daily Mail. "The absolute nerve of them. First they up and leave for America, cut off William, Kate, Charles, Camilla, Andrew, Epstein, Henry VIII, and then decide they want to come back! The utter and sheer audacity of these freeloading hacks is near-enough demonic! How dare they! No shame whatsoever." Mrs. Davies later clarified that her comment referring to "freeloading hacks" was directed strictly towards Harry and Meghan, putting to bed any accusations of the multi-billionaire, publicly-funded royal family itself mooching off the UK taxpayer with little-to-no return on investment.

The move, which is expected later this month according to lesser news outlet The Express, will see the Sussexes return with their two children after six years across the pond in the United States, where they produced content for streaming giants Netflix, Spotify, and more that has been forgotten even by the most dedicated royalist fanatics. According to reports from lesser news outlet The Sun, working royals such as King Charles III and Prince William were privately "fuming" over the news, whereas Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor was reportedly punching the air at the prospect of getting to meet the duke and duchess's underage children.

"This place is going to be so busy!" said Dougie Barnes, the owner of the Pizza Express Woking branch. "We're already carving out a little apartment for them above the restaurant. It'll be real cosy and posh, with plenty of windows for natural light and paparazzi. We're also looking into letting journos from the tabloids reserve tables in the main dining area so they can catch Harry and Meghan whenever they try to head out and take the kids to school or whatever. We'll be swimming in cash! Honestly, we really need it, given that Prince Andrew really fucked us over with that shitty Newsnight interview."

At press time, British tabloids were publishing headlines at breakneck pace regarding who would fund the Sussexes' security detail, while former Prince Andrew remained peacefully tucked away on the Sandringham Estate at the pleasure of the UK taxpayer.