WASHINGTON—After months agonising over how to source a suitable sum of taxpayer funds to send to its strategic ally in the Middle East, a visibly exhausted Congress decided Friday that it was time to "fuck it we ball" and send the entirety of the U.S. federal budget, amounting to just under $7 trillion, directly to Israel.

"Y'know what? Fuck it, we ball. We're just going to send the entire federal budget to Bibi and his cabinet to put to good use," said Speaker of the House Mike Johnson as he slowly wrote a check for $6.9 trillion to the Knesset. "I know that my fellow congressmen have toiled for hours over how to handle our foreign aid obligations to our allies. Given that we have struggled to find an adequate sum to allocate, I'm motioning for the House to approve sending the entire federal budget to Israel. They are much better at spending American taxpayers' hard-earned dollars than we are anyway. Plus, honestly? I'm tired and want to take a nice little nap in my office this afternoon."

The announcement faced fierce backlash from various Democrats, who questioned why Republicans would suddenly decide to direct every single dollar collected by the IRS straight to Israel. Republicans swiftly pushed back against the criticism, pointing out that former President Joe Biden had previously approved of sending the entirety of the federal education budget to Israel. Meanwhile, Senator John Fetterman emerged as a notable outlier in the Democratic establishment, enthusiastically approving of the move and releasing a statement declaring that he "loves the fresh smell of Palestinian bloodshed in the name of genocide and apartheid."

"I would like to sincerely thank our friends in the U.S. Congress for their steadfastness in protecting the State of Israel," said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu following the news. "Israel is forever in your debt for providing our fearless IDF warriors with the funds needed to crush the terrorist threat that is Hamas and the thousands of dangerous, unarmed civilians they harbour within Gaza. With this powerful gesture of collaboration from the United States, we will be able to accelerate our destruction and ruthless maiming of Palestinians at a pace no one in the UN could ever comprehend. Israel thanks America for supporting us in our time of need, and for the time in the future when we inevitably drag you into another forever war in the Middle East."

At press time, Congress hastily approved another bill to transfer all U.S. military personnel, weapon systems, combat vehicles, and remaining assets directly to the Israel Defense Forces.