WASHINGTON—Following a federal ban on the synthetic food dye Red 40 earlier this year, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Wednesday that the FDA has authorised a replacement additive in the form of the blood of Palestinian children killed by Israel in Gaza and the West Bank.

"For decades, big food and the DEI hires at the FDA were poisoning Americans with synthetic, unnatural neurotoxins like Red 40," said RFK Jr. during a press conference in the Oval Office. "That is why today, under my leadership at HHS, the Food and Drug Administration is authorising a 100% organic and holistic alternative to the toxic chemicals peddled by big food; the blood of deceased Palestinian children. It provides the same vivid red colour without the harmful microplastics or feminising chemicals. It has virtually no flavour and little to no odour. Plus, thanks to foreign policy decisions and lobbying efforts by foreign nations beyond my understanding, we currently have a massive, ever-growing surplus."

The substitution comes after RFK Jr. and officials at the FDA ignored the advice of every food scientist currently alive or dead, all of whom warned that the fact that the blood belonged to dead Palestinian children who were blown up, shot, starved, or beaten by IDF soldiers rendered it entirely unsuitable for human consumption. Meanwhile, medical experts and individuals with basic empathy pointed out that utilising human blood derived from dead, innocent Palestinian boys and girls would constitute cannibalism, which is currently illegal in the U.S. for the time being.

"The FDA's decision to allow the usage of blood from Palestinian children is deeply concerning on many procedural levels," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer shortly after RFK Jr.'s press conference. "For one thing, we don't even have a clear paper trail on the sourcing. Sure, they tell us it's collected from the corpses of dead Palestinian children across Gaza and the West Bank, but where specifically? Khan Yunis? Rafah? Jericho? Ramallah? The administration hasn't provided a map. Furthermore, we are completely in the dark as to whether the IDF is maintaining ethical oversight during the extraction process, or if they are potentially maiming or mutilating the supply beforehand? If they aren't adhering to strict protocols, let me be very clear: I am going to require at least another million dollars from AIPAC just to look the other way."

At press time, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu vowed that the IDF would do "everything in its powers" to ensure the U.S. receives a steady, consistent supply of only the freshest Palestinian children's blood.