WASHINGTON—Holding a press briefing to share new information regarding a controversial case, FBI Director Kash Patel announced that Jeffery Epstein, the financier who procured children for prostitution in a sex trafficking ring who then allegedly committed suicide while in prison never existed. “After an extensive investigation since I was appointed Director of the FBI, we have come to the conclusion that Jeffery Epstein never actually existed and was simply a figment of everyone's collective imagination,” said Mr. Patel, leaving the room of reporters of lesser media organisations in bewilderment. “To be clear, Mr. Epstein did not traffick minors to a private island for sex with himself or other powerful individuals, as he would need to have existed to be able to do that. This also means that Epstein did not kill himself, as he never existed in the first place to end his own life.” When asked if this sudden change in tone from the FBI was motivated by alleged ties between Epstein and President Trump, Patel pushed back, repeatedly screaming that Epstein did not exist while he crawled into a ball in the corner of the room. At press time, the FBI also announced that Ghislaine Maxwell, who helped procure children for the non-existent Jeffery Epstein did not exist either, but rather was a result of the Mandela effect.