THE INTERNET—Revealing their platform for the 2026 wasteof.money presidential election, EvilJeffalo promised Wednesday to provide every single user with a free puppy, while assuring the public that the pets are not rigged with volatile explosives.

"As president, I will provide every wasteof user with a puppy free of charge as part of my agenda for change," the presidential candidate posted on their wasteof profile Tuesday. "This is just one of my many policies, all of which I am keeping strictly redacted to keep you guessing whether my intentions are pure or purely malicious. Now, I just want to clarify: if I win and become your president, the puppies provided by my administration will most definitely not have highly-volatile C-4 stitched into their stomachs, with me holding the one and only detonator. That is an EvilJeffalo guarantee!"

Investigations by The Wasted Onion's undercover reporters embedded in organisations that frequently commit animal abuse, such as PETA, revealed that puppy purchases from mills had surged 45% following EvilJeffalo's policy pledge. Further investigations by reporters who broke into arms manufacturing plants discovered a 34% in C-4 purchases, alongside footage of former British Prime Minister Sir Tony Blair passionately kissing missiles earmarked for delivery to the IDF.

"The EvilJeffalo campaign has nothing to do with the spikes in purchases of milled puppies or C-4, and any assertion to the contrary is simply fake news," said a spokesperson for the EvilJeffalo campaign while holding a Labrador puppy with a suspiciously C-4 shaped belly. "It is very simple: EvilJeffalo has pledged to give every wasteof user a puppy for free if they elect them president. Why would they want to kill their own people with C-4 riddled puppies? It's not like they have the word ‘evil’ right there in their name or something."

At press time, EvilJeffalo further pledged to give every wasteof user a kitten as well, assuring the public that the felines would not be contaminated with weapons-grade uranium-235.

Elsewhere on the Campaign Trail

• Following an extensive fact-check by weary reporters in The Wasted Onion newsroom, it can be confirmed that Thrat's claim they will "return to their prime" from April 2026 is false, as experts note they have never experienced a period that could reasonably be considered a "prime."
• The Owl campaign was in shambles Wednesday morning after their rival candidates reacted to their pledge of seven free waffles per user by simply one-upping it and offering eight instead.
• Launching their presidential bid this week, candidate Eris announced a bold, transparent policy pledge where they would reveal every single users IP address if elected.