BRUSSELS, BELGIUM—Standing before reporters outside the Berlaymont building regarding the blocs latest crackdown on what it sees as technological gatekeepers, a spokesperson for the European Union announced it has opened an investigation into U.S. tech giant Apple after it announced its upcoming iPhone 17 would not have a screen. “This latest iPhone is our best yet. It’s the culmination of everything we strive for at Apple; simplicity, accessibility, beauty. It’s truly magical. The reason to remove the display: courage. The courage to move on and do something new that betters all of us,” said CEO Tim Cook at a keynote debuting the device while waving his hands in vague grandiose gestures. “Do I really need to explain this? Of course we’re going to fucking look into fining these lunatics. If keyboards were removed from laptops we’d all agree that's stupid. Oh shit I think we just gave them another idea on what to remove next,” said the spokesperson outside the European Commission while looking visibly tired. Speaking to The Wasted Onion’s technology editor Clippy, a spokesperson for the company said that the EU was “standing in the way of enshittification - no crap I meant innovation,” before scurrying away and putting on an Apple Vision Pro to avoid further questions.