Ed Sheeran's Guitar Withdraws From His U.S. Tour
FOXBOROUGH, MA—In the latest blow to the singer's ongoing stadium trek, Ed Sheeran's acoustic guitar announced Friday that it has decided to withdraw from his U.S. Loop Tour, following a mass exodus of support acts who dropped out in solidarity with Macklemore.
"I have made the hard decision to no longer allow Ed Sheeran to play me on the remaining dates of his U.S. Loop Tour," read a screenshot of a notes app statement from the musical instrument. "I cannot simply stand by and watch anyone be silenced for expressing pro-Palestinian remarks. It is against my core values as a six-string acoustic instrument built to bring people together. I agree with everything Macklemore said, and condemn Robert Kraft and the Zionist lobbies for how they have attempted to use their wealth and power to silence those who stand up for the oppressed Palestinian people. Free Palestine."
The resignation marks the latest in a slew of departures to hit the ongoing stint in the U.S., leaving the pop star without opening acts, a backing band, and now his most fundamental instrument. Crew working behind the scenes reported that a panicked Sheeran was already backstage frantically trying to learn how to play the kazoo as a replacement for his acoustic guitar.
"I understand that the suffering on both sides has flared up tensions," said Sheeran in yet another desperately posted Instagram statement. "The Israel-Palestine conflict is so complicated, and quite frankly, reading is hard. With that in mind, I want to make my position clear: I believe that Israel and Palestine are both words that exist. Whether one or the other is committing genocide, apartheid, ethnic cleansing, and endless war crimes is not something I can weigh in on, because some people might think I stand for something. And I will die if people think I stand for anything. How are Israelis supposed to listen to ‘Shape of You’ ever again if I say their government might be committing genocide in Gaza? And how will Zionist billionaires like Robert Kraft let me play in his stadiums if I stand up to him? Yeah, sorry not sorry."
At press time, Ed Sheeran's looping pedals issued a joint statement announcing they were also withdrawing from his tour in solidarity with Macklemore, looping "free Palestine" for over 30 minutes in the singers dressing room.