WASHINGTON—In what appears as the Trump administrations most desperate attempt yet to shift public discourse away from the ongoing U.S.-Israel war against Iran, the Department of Justice has released a slew of unredacted documents part of the Epstein files. "As part of our ongoing disclosures regarding the deceased child sex offender and trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, I am announcing today that I have ordered the Department of Justice to immediately release over 2 million files fully unredacted for the public to view on the DOJ website," said Attorney General Pam Bondi. "We encourage the American public to spend as much time as possible perusing the trove of documents, we also heavily encourage journalists to solely focus on dissecting every little detail they can. Luckily there isn't much else for you guys to talk about right now. So c'mon, please discuss these new files with your friends, family, neighbours, co-workers, pets and the voices in your head!" Bondi also encouraged Americans to extensively spend time reading fully unredacted testimonies that implicate President Trump in a series of sex crimes against children, saying that "who knows, maybe you'll find a little nugget of information that proves once and for all that our great president did indeed fuck kids." At press time, panicked Republican lawmakers began floating the idea of beginning impeachment proceedings against Trump in an effort to distract from the Iran war.