SWAN HILL, AUSTRALIA—Sparking fears amongst his community for his safety, local man Oliver Walker, known for “praising the divine light” of a Coca-Cola vending machine, has mysteriously disappeared. “We are appealing for information from those that were at a Coca-Cola vending machine on Wednesday 25th of June at 1am in regards to the disappearance of Oliver Walker, who we believe was at one honouring the refreshing powers of the beverage,” said police chief Isla Martin, presenting an empty can of Coca-Cola with kisses all over it, which were confirmed to be that of Mr. Walker, presumably from an early morning cola kissing frenzy. “If you or anyone you know saw a man hugging a vending machine and yelling about his devotion to the Coke Gods, then please get in touch. We are also looking for any donations of Coca-Cola, as we believe we can use it to draw Oliver out like a wild animal.” Locals who spoke to The Wasted Onion at gunpoint said Mr. Walker is a fixture of the area, known for his desire to be sent to Coke Heaven and also adored by executives of The Coca-Cola Company for endlessly drinking their sugar poison. At press time, the police said they had narrowed the search area for Mr. Walker as they believe he maybe in a Coke-induced sugar coma.

[[Man Known For ‘Praising The Divine Light’ Of Coca-Cola Vending Machine Found Dead In Remote Swedish Village]]