Ever since my birth in a remote village in Turkmenistan, I have yearned to control every single form in which humans consume content. Whether it be radio, TV, the internet, or crusty old porn magazines, I want to control it and ensure it is subservient to us all-powerful, baby stealing, blood-sucking, tofu eating reptilian globalists. That is why I am furious that The Onion has completed its purchase of InfoWars, as I will now not have the chance to corrupt this truth-seeking enterprise into a globalist fake news operation myself.

Strictly speaking, I know that Bryce P. Tetraeder, CEO of The Onion's parent company Global Tetrahedron, will do a fine job in bastardising InfoWars into an organisation that brainwashes the clueless unwashed masses into believing our globalist conspiracies and false flag operations. But I cannot pretend that as the owner of The Wasted Company, a business who has been at the forefront of extending the globalist cults tendrils into every nook and cranny of the worlds media ecosystem for centuries, that I am not at least a little disappointed knowing I won't have the opportunity to fuck the truth crusade InfoWars has waged for years until it's a bloody mass of pulp.

The board of The Wasted Company, comprised of vampires, prior associates of Jeffrey Epstein and a kangaroo called Dave, has been intensely and violently doing everything in our power to acquire InfoWars. Not just did we trick the previous owners of InfoWars by lacing their "Brain Force Plus" with anthrax, we even planted multiple pipe bombs in The Onion's office to try and stop their acquisition.

Unfortunately, America's Finest News Source is a formidable foe to The Only News Source.

But we do not dwell on past criminal acts here at The Wasted Company, we look towards future crimes and atrocities that we will perpetrate to satiate our endless corporate greed. We already own an incredible array of properties, such as The Wasted Onion, Fyre Festival, Theranos and Enron. We will lust after the next organisation we can lure into our sphere of influence, infecting it with our globalist Illuminati woke mind virus as if it were a child without an MMR vaccine. The globalists will prevail. Actually, we have already. We will continue to trick the world and keep it in the shade of our deception with powerful hoaxes that keep the public ignorant to the reality that the Earth is actually a parallelogram.

Mark my words. We will turn the frogs gay.