CUPERTINO, CA—Announcing the latest updated smartphones at its keynote livestreamed to the world, Apple has revealed the iPhone 17 with a new “headphone jack” feature. “We are thrilled to share with you the iPhone 17’s new, innovated feature that we’re calling the headphone jack, which allow you to seamlessly plug in wired headphones direct into iPhone 17, opening a whole totally-not-old world of possibilities for iPhone,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook during the keynote while holding the iPhone 17 like a live grenade. “Many of you will be wondering why we have added a new port to iPhone 17, and the answer is simple; courage, the fearlessness to let our users make more choices about what they can use with their iPhone, while also selling even more expensive accessories that will get us to that 4 trillion valuation mark.” Later when press were allowed to handle the new models, Tim Cook explained that the new iPhone Air would remove the charging port and would not feature the new headphone jack, saying that users will be able to charge the device with a wireless charger sold separately. At press time, Samsung and Google had responded to the iPhone announcement by mocking it on social media, while inside sources in the companies confirmed they were already scrambling to add a headphone jack to their upcoming smartphone models.