CUPERTINO, CA—Saving the website from an imminent demise, tech giant Apple has acquired social media platform Blaze at a bankruptcy auction Friday. “Today Apple has purchased Blaze from a bankruptcy option. This acquisition does not just save Blaze, but begins a new journey as part of the Apple family. Work on integrating Blaze into Apple’s ecosystem of products will begin shortly, with plans to create new subscription offerings, as well as a relaunch of the platform in a state that is actually fucking functional and not just running off of Wix of all damn things,” said a press release posted to the companies website. “We are very excited to work with the talented team at Blaze as we onboard them into the Apple workforce, all one of them. We also will work closely with Blaze to ensure that the relaunched platform continues to be a haven for siphoning user information at an alarming rate.” The iPhone maker also announced further details about its plans to assimilate Blaze into its operations, such as renaming the newly acquired platform as iBlaze SE Air Mini Pro Max XR Touch Shuffle Nano Lite XL & Knuckles 2: Electric Blazealoo, with leaks online suggesting that premium subscriptions to the platform could start at $7,999 per month. At press time, further rumours started circulating that every new user that signed up to the relaunched social media site would get a free copy of KyleTech’s album “-0²” for free without the ability to uninstall it.