BIRD VILLAGE, BIRD ISLAND—Recognising that their high-velocity projectile careers and families were hanging by a thread, several of the most recognisable Angry Birds checked into a rehabilitation clinic Wednesday to treat their debilitating gambling addictions.

"In all honesty, it has been making me direct my anger in ways that are not productive," said Red, proceeding to hurl himself across the therapy room using a makeshift slingshot in a desperate attempt to stop himself from opening the DraftKings app. "I wasn't even launching myself at the pigs to get our stolen eggs back anymore. I was too caught up chasing losses on online crypto slots. Those livestreams Drake did promoting Stake were pretty exhilarating, but it was all a lie."

During the facility's first group therapy session since checking into the rehab centre, flock members including Chuck, Mighty Eagle, Terrance, and Hal confessed to drowning in eye-watering credit card debt driven by endless sports parlays, online slot machines, high-octane poker, and prediction markets. Many of the facility's patients admitted that they were placing bets on Polymarket predicting when U.S. President Donald Trump would be assassinated.

"I am utterly ashamed, I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore," said a dejected Bomb, solemnly staring out a window as he sat in a plastic garden chair. "While I'm meant to be good at blowing things up, I don't think blowing up my own life and relationships was the way to go. But I have to face reality. I cannot undo the past, I can only go forward. From here on out, I am not touching Kalshi or FanDuel ever again." As the interview concluded, Bomb began to sob, escalating until he detonated, destroying the entire east wing of the rehab facility.

At press time, reports began to emerge revealing that the green pigs intentionally introduced the flock to online sports books and prediction markets with targeted sign-up bonuses and deposit matches to bankrupt them, allowing the pigs to swoop in and steal as many eggs as they pleased.