BRASÍLIA, BRAZIL—Refusing to accept the will of the electorate Sunday evening, right-wing Brazilian presidential candidate Flávio Bolsonaro claimed his father and former President Jair Bolsonaro could beat up incumbent President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva after he was re-elected for a fourth term.

"It is simply impossible for me to recognise these results," said Flávio Bolsonaro at a post-election press conference. "To put it bluntly, the rules of the game were changed. They extended the voting window by two hours, which unfairly benefited the Lula campaign. Now, yes, I did ask for the extension as well, but it was meant to help me, not my opponent! Furthermore, it is glaringly obviously that if my father were released from house arrest for attempting to overthrow democracy, he would still totally wipe the floor with Lula in a fistfight. That is what the Brazilian people truly deserve: a leader who knows how to throw a punch!"

Across major cities from Brasília to São Paulo, Lula and Bolsonaro supporters debated whether the 80-year-old incumbent or the 71-year-old disgraced former president would prevail in hand-to-hand combat. Many Bolsonaro loyalists argued that he would win purely on sheer tenacity, pointing to his 2023 coup attempt as evidence of his fighting spirit. Meanwhile, Lula supporters retorted that the president would have Bolsonaro in a headlock before he could gasp "ai! Por que esse velho filho da puta é tão forte?!"

"Thank you, Brazilian men and women of this country, it was democracy that made this happen," said Lula as he addressed ecstatic supporters after his victory. "We are going to change the way that this country is governed. First off, we aren't going to be having cage matches pitting politicians against each other, I'm far too busy beating them at the polls. Furthermore, I'm going to not overthrow the government. I will let Bolsonaro and his father keep their monopoly on that political strategy."

At press time, U.S. President Donald Trump, a close ally of the Bolsonaro family, announced he would dispatch U.S. Vice President JD Vance to Brazil to beat up Lula, only for Mr. Vance to immediately begin trembling in the corner of the Oval Office.