During my time at the helm of The Wasted Company since 1856, we have made many masterful acquisitions, including Theranos, Fyre Festival, Wirecard, and Enron. Each of these came with a grand vision: to make the world in which we live in as unbearable as humanly possible. I think it is fair to say we have done a fantastic job. For the last few years, we have been waging a brutal corporate war to purchase Blaze, the so-called "Flame of Social Media" from its previous owner, KyleTech. As of today, we have won that war, and I paid actual real life money for this bullshit, so you better goddamn find it funny.

It's true: real life, human money was used in the process of acquiring the Blaze domain. I wasted what would have been about two or three meal deals from the Co-op on this utter crap, so the absolute least you can do is at least exhale a small amount of air from your nose. You can spare a little bit of time to visit blazeapp.net and browse the unhinged drug-fuelled ramblings that permeate our newest asset. Seriously, click the fucking link. Do it now. I don't even care if you stop reading this article right this second, as long as you visit Blaze. Click. The. Fucking. Link.

Hey, asshole! Yeah, you! You're still reading this piece, that means you haven't clicked the link yet. What's up with that? Can you not follow simple instructions? Are you that dense? How about this for some motivation: every time you refuse to click the link, I will bludgeon one of The Wasted Onion's employees in the middle of the newsroom. I will do it with my bare fucking hands if needs must. And you know what? Since you've taken this long to click the link so far, how about you share a few Blaze articles with your friends and family? Well, if you have any, as I can imagine someone as stupid as you might already be alone.

Actually, let's make this even simpler: as the CEO of The Wasted Onion, I am mandating all readers of The Only News Source must read five Blaze articles and share at least two with someone, anyone, who has a pulse. Yeah, that's fucking right, you're currently reading The Wasted Onion, so you know you what that means! And if you don't, firstly: fuck you. Secondly: click the fucking link. And thirdly: die.

From my corporate office buried deep within the Highlands away from anyone who wishes to do me harm, I have only one more piece of wisdom to bestow upon thee:

Click.

The.

Fucking.

Link.